


Alembic

by Mice



Series: Moments Sacred and Profane [28]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M, Polyamory, Slash, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:49:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1850176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back in Atlantis, Rodney and Carson have unresolved issues to face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alembic

**Author's Note:**

> Beauteous beta by Lucia Tanaka, Zortified, Pas, DarkCygnet, Heuradys and the usual gang of lunatics known as the Scribas Smutters.

_Someone who keeps aloof from suffering  
is not a lover. I choose your love  
above all else._  
~~Sanai trans by Coleman Barks~~

Travel on the Daedalus had at once been easier and far more dangerous than Carson ever expected.

Eighteen days in hyperspace had left him on edge, and Rodney and Colonel Sheppard's brush with radiation poisoning hadn't made him feel any better. He faced Elizabeth Weir's quiet gaze, his knuckles whitening on the arm of the chair he sat in. "They may seem fine, Elizabeth, but at the dose they both got? They're essentially just in anastasis right now. Either or both of them could become quite ill again within a week or two. It's not a large chance, but death is also a possibility."

"You mean Rodney's not just being paranoid?" She sat back in her chair, at home again in her office above the Gateroom. Her fingers were steepled and she gave Carson a serious, worried look.

"Aye," Carson said. He sighed. "That wee alien, Hermiod, was quite right that they could easily have taken a fatal dose in the F-302. Rodney's always monitored his exposure for a reason."

"When will we know for certain if they'll be all right?" She leaned forward, lips pursed in an uneasy frown.

"If they get ill again within the next two weeks, it'll take them a while to recover. If they're still alive at the end of the month, they're most likely safe and won't have a relapse. Symptoms to watch for would include a general malaise, anorexia, nausea, and fatigue. Their immune systems are like to be compromised as well, so I'd recommend that neither of them be sent offworld unnecessarily before that time is up."

"Still," Elizabeth said, "you said it was a small chance."

Carson shook his head. "Aye, but even ten percent is a risk."

"So them being sick on the Daedalus wasn't the end of this." She looked upset.

"Not likely," he told her. His stomach hurt. Carson hated not knowing.

"Do they know?" she asked.

"Aye. I've already discussed it with them. That's why Rodney's been so out of sorts since the incident. It's no' just the deaths, though he took them pretty hard as well." Rodney had known Lindstrom before, had worked with him at Area 52 before he'd been exiled to Siberia. With all the other losses of the last year, that one had hurt badly; they'd not even made it to Atlantis before people began to die.

Carson sagged in the chair, not wanting to think about the possibilities. Being home on Earth had been so good, and now this had happened. He wondered if he and Rodney would survive the year at all -- or if Rodney would survive the next month.

"I'm sure they'll be all right, Carson," Elizabeth said. She reached across her desk and took his hand. "Ten percent isn't that much. I know it's a larger chance than you'd like, but I think I'd prefer to look at it as the both of them having a ninety percent chance of surviving this mess." She looked him in the eyes. "I insist on being at the wedding." She smiled at him, hopeful, and he couldn't help letting a wee smile creak through his worry.

He squeezed her hand, thankful for her optimism and her kindness. "It's hard," he said, "to have something like this happen so soon on the heels of such a happy visit home. At least we knew about the exposure as it was happening and could take steps to decontaminate them and deal with their situation right away."

"I do have some news that might offer a little bit of cheer," she said.

"Oh?" He tilted his head, wondering what it might be.

Elizabeth smiled. "Dr. Zelenka reports that a spa was found in one of the towers. It's apparently quite spectacular. The botanists have been working on cultivating the park area that the spa is built around, but even without a lot of plant growth at the moment, it's likely to be a very relaxing resource for you, and for John and Rodney."

Carson leaned back, a bit surprised. "Oh, aye. It would at that. Keeping their stress levels lowered until we're sure they're well should help a bit, at least."

"I hope it'll help your stress levels as well," she said, patting his hand before she let it go.

"I should get on with unpacking," Carson said, rising from the chair. "I've no idea what Rodney arranged to have shipped back to our quarters, and I'm almost afraid to find out what the place'll look like when I get there."

Elizabeth nodded. "Right. Oh, and tell Rodney that Dr. Kavanagh is leaving on the Daedalus as soon as she returns to Earth. I'm sure he'll find that as much a relief as I do."

Carson grinned. "Oh, that's certain to perk him up a bit."

"He said something about a mission to 'planet mudhole' being the last straw." She shrugged.

"They sent him offworld?" Carson raised an eyebrow.

"Apparently so. I'll have to congratulate Teyla and Dr. Zelenka for getting rid of our problem child for us." She shook her head. "Now, go ahead and get unpacked before Rodney papers your walls with all his diplomas and awards."

Carson nodded, still smiling a bit. "I'll do that." He rose. "Have a good evening, Elizabeth."

"They'll be all right," Elizabeth said, rising and walking to her office door with him.

"I hope you're right," Carson said. He sighed and hurried off to his flat. People along the way greeted him with smiles and waves and he responded in kind. It was lovely to be home again, despite the worries. He was looking forward to getting back to work. In fact, he'd had a few ideas during the eighteen days of travel on the Daedalus that he wanted to look into that might help deal with their Wraith problems.

Rodney was poking about in boxes when he got there. "Oh, Carson," he said, looking up from the one he was buried in up to his elbows. "I brought a bunch of my diplomas and awards for the walls. Where do you think they'd look best?"

"In your office, love," Carson told him. "Mum sent stuff along for both of us as well, you know, so don't be getting too many redecorating ideas just yet."

"Decoration is for lesser intellects than mine. None of this is 'decoration.' It's essential recognition of my genius." Rodney grinned and dug back into the box.

"Right enough, Rodney," Carson said. "Personally, I'd just as soon have a few photos up of the family." He went to his suitcase and opened it, pulling out two framed photos. One was the picture that had been on his desk in his room at Mum's, with himself, his parents, and Dougal. The other was a new, larger photo of himself and Rodney with Mum and Dougal. He set them both on the table next to his side of the bed. "Oh, that's better," he said softly.

Opening a box of his own, he pulled out his fiddle, which had been stored carefully in its case at the top, packed in woolen jumpers and blankets. He took out the case and looked at it for a moment, wondering where the best place to put it would be.

"Carson?"

Carson turned to look at Rodney. "Yes, love?" Rodney had an unusual expression on his face, one Carson couldn't quite decipher.

"You... you brought your violin."

He nodded. "It's a fiddle, not a violin, but aye. Are you all right?"

"I... yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Fiddles and violins are the same thing, Carson. I just... does that mean you'll play it for me sometime?" Rodney's expression was inscrutable, his voice a little shaky.

"If you want," Carson said. "And the difference between a fiddle and a violin is what you do with it. Is this about the piano again, _mo leannan_?"

Rodney sat on the floor next to his box. "Um. I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure."

Carson set the fiddle down on the bed and went over to sit next to Rodney on the floor. He slipped an arm around him. "Are you feeling well?" he asked. "I'm concerned about you."

Rodney nodded. "Trust me. If I start feeling the effects of the radiation again, you'll be the second person to know."

Carson sighed and leaned into Rodney's side. "It's getting late already," he said. "Perhaps we should save this for tomorrow, after work?"

Rodney caressed Carson's back with one hand, shaking his head. "I don't know." He let his head rest against Carson's. "Maybe."

"Elizabeth said Kavanagh's leaving on the Daedalus as soon as she's ready to start back to Earth." Carson smiled.

Rodney picked up his head and looked at him, excited. "Really? I mean, she's not just saying that to cheer me up, right?"

"I sincerely doubt it. She's just as relieved as you are." He nuzzled Rodney's cheek. His face was peeling a wee bit already, despite the moisturizer. He hoped that would be all there was to it.

"At least the lab will be a little quieter. He was always whining." Rodney turned his face to Carson's and kissed him softly. "But you're here. You came back with me."

"I promised I would." Carson pulled Rodney against him and they lay back on the floor. It wasn't comfortable, but it was home. "I'm here for as long as you'll have me."

*** 

Rodney smiled, cradled against Carson on the floor. He considered lodging a complaint about his back, but he was just too glad to be home to really care, at least for now. In ten minutes, maybe, things would be different.

He stared at the violin case on the bed. There were such hidden depths in Carson sometimes. The music was just one aspect of it, but seeing him around his family had shown Rodney another side to the man that he'd never suspected.

It was like that part of Carson lived in an entirely different world than Rodney had ever seen. It wasn't one he'd ever expected to be included in. Family was a mystery to him, and it wasn't just the language differences. The shock had come in how accepted Rodney had felt, despite Carson's boozy uncle and some of the other older neanderthals.

His fingers traced patterns on Carson's chest as he thought about Dougal and Carson's mother. They grinned at him from the photos Carson had placed on the bedside table. Strange as it seemed, after he got past the initial discomfort, calling her Mum hadn't been so bad. She certainly acted more like somebody's stereotypical mother than his own had. Attempting to feed him every time he turned around, hugging him relentlessly, telling him not to forget his jumper -- definitely über-mom behavior.

"We're not technically on call until tomorrow morning, are we?" Rodney asked.

Carson shook his head, fingers trailing through Rodney's short hair. "No. Of course, emergencies wait for no man."

"I don't want to be bothered unless the ZedPM goes critical or there are Wraith in the city," Rodney grumbled.

Carson sighed. "And what, you're goin' to call Radek and tell him that?"

Rodney shook his head. "No, no, of course not. He'd just see it as an excuse to get me down to the lab to look at something. Anything. Personnel reports. Power consumption ratios. Whatever."

"He's a better man than that, you know." Carson kissed Rodney's temple, his lips soft and warm.

"He's probably eager to give me my job back. No doubt he's been completely in over his head the entire time. It's a wonder the city's still afloat."

Carson chuckled and shook his head. "And if he was that incompetent, you'd never have left the place in his hands."

Rodney snorted. "Well, okay. But don't tell him that."

"I wouldn't dream of it, love."

Rodney poked Carson in the ribs with one finger. "Liar."

"Elizabeth said they'd discovered a spa while we were away." Carson raised himself up off the floor a bit and curled an arm around Rodney's waist. "Would you like to go find it and see if it's any good?"

"How are we supposed to know where it is?" Rodney asked. He wasn't sure what he thought of that idea. Spas usually meant naked people and, aside from Carson, he wasn't exactly keen on that idea.

"She said something about Radek sending a general email with information." He nuzzled Rodney's neck. "I wouldn't mind goin' to have a soak myself."

"This means we'd have to get up, doesn't it?" Rodney sighed when Carson nodded and rolled onto his knees. "Oh. Ow. Knees. Back."

"Oh, get up with you." Carson reached up and swatted Rodney's ass. Rodney glared down at him.

"See if you get any tonight."

Carson grinned wickedly. "See if you can say no."

Rodney staggered to his feet. "Oh, you are so asking for the celibate treatment."

"And you're like to give it to me? I think not." Carson laughed and got to his feet as well. "Let's get a look at that email, shall we?"

Rodney shook his head and booted his laptop. "Right. Remind me again why I'm supposed to love you?"

Carson laughed and grabbed him, kissing him soundly.

"Oh," Rodney said, trying to catch his breath. "Yeah. That."

Carson leaned down and pulled up Rodney's email program. Rodney sat and typed in his password and checked for new email. Naturally, his box was flooded. It took a while to sort through the list and find the spa mails. Carson leaned over his back, arms around his neck, and looked over his shoulder. "So," he said. "Looks like it's mixed hours, clothing optional."

Rodney looked at him. "Yeah. Right. Like I want to see my staff naked."

Carson tapped the screen with one fingertip. "From the looks of the area, we'll be able to find some privacy, and the only one you'd have to see naked would be me." He nibbled on Rodney's ear.

"Oh, stop that. If I want to see you naked, I'll do it here."

Carson nipped a little harder. "And where's your sense of adventure, then?"

"Back on Earth, where I left my swim trunks." Rodney elbowed Carson.

"So wear a pair of your boxers. It's not like swim trunks are any different." Carson blew in his ear and Rodney shuddered with the tickle that went down his spine.

"Will you stop trying to get me horny? I am so not going where people might see me sporting wood."

"Rodney, love, what will it hurt to go and take a look?" He stood and went to the bathroom, coming back with a pair of towels. "If there's a crowd, wear your boxers. If there's not, then come soak with me and we can have a wee bit of rest and relaxation. How does that sound?"

"These people are never going to respect me if they see my naked ass in a hot tub," Rodney snorted. "So, no."

Carson glowered at him. "If they're in the spa, Rodney, they're not caring who else is there. They'll be too busy minding their own business and having a soak or a sauna."

"Yes, yes, and the moon is made of green cheese. I know what people do in places like that."

Carson shrugged. "Well, if you won't go with me, I'll just have to go by myself," he said. "I'm not afraid of letting people see me having a wee soak." He headed for the door, both towels over his shoulder. "I'll see you in a few hours, love."

"No! Hey, wait!" Rodney got up and hurried after him as he headed down the corridor toward the transporter. "I am so gonna get you for this."

"Oh, aye," Carson said, voice trailing after him as he entered the transporter. "You can have me at the spa, then." With an evil grin, he tapped the map panel and the doors shut in Rodney's face.

Rodney leaned his head on the closed transporter door. "I hate you," he muttered.

A moment later the door opened again, and Rodney entered the transporter then followed Carson up to the spa at the peak of the tower. The corridor looked like every other in Atlantis, but the door Carson stood before was different, cast in blues and cool shades, unlike the earth tones of most of the other translucent panels. "Well, love," he said, "I thought you'd never get here." He smiled, his eyes alight.

"I thought you were tired."

Carson nodded. "I am, but this doesn't have to be work. Really, Rodney, it could be quite lovely." He gestured toward the door and it opened for him. Rodney followed him inside.

The email and its little map hadn't prepared him for the immensity of the space, and the stars above were clearly visible through the domed roof. Rodney's mouth gaped open as he looked up. "Wow," he said softly.

"Oh, aye," Carson agreed. They stood for a long moment, just taking the place in. Plants had been started in several areas, but the sound of waterfalls captured Rodney's attention. Carson's hand bumped his stomach and Rodney took the proffered towel.

"There's next to nobody about," Carson said after a moment. Rodney looked around him and saw that Carson was right. He saw a couple of people in a tub off to the left in the distance, but that was it. One steam room seemed to be occupied, from the shadow inside.

"Good," Rodney said. "Maybe we can actually do this without an audience." The light was low enough that it made seeing details difficult, but sufficient to move around safely. That seemed acceptable.

"Let's walk a bit," Carson said. "Explore the place before we decide where to have our soak." He gestured off to the right.

Steam rose like mist from many of the pools they passed, and the place smelled like loam and growing things. It was comfortably warm here, and Rodney started to relax a bit as it became apparent that most of the space was actually unoccupied. They saw less than a dozen people on their trek about the place. A few waved as they passed, or said hello, but nobody bothered them. They settled on an isolated pool near the edge of the huge room. Standing at the edge of the pool felt a lot like standing on the edge of a cliff, but the clear material that let in the starlight was thick and secure.

The pool itself was situated about three and a half metres above the main level in a rock outcropping. Another placed higher up spilled a waterfall into it, splashing gently. Through the clear dome, Rodney could see the dark silhouettes of the city's towers, and the lights in the control tower where everyone lived and most of the work was done. Outlined by the flickering stars, it was breathtaking.

Somebody had planted ferns and trailing plants from the mainland about the pool, and it felt almost like being outside -- thankfully without the biting insects and the snakes. Rodney really hated the biting insects and the snakes.

"So," Carson said, stripping off his shirt, "the view's really quite something, isn't it?" There was just a bit of awe in his voice, and even though Rodney was rarely inclined to succumb to such sentiments, he felt a bit of that awe himself.

He grinned at Carson. "Were you referring to the city, or yourself?"

Carson swatted him with his shirt before he dropped that and the towels next to the pool. "Prat." He smiled and started unbuttoning his jeans.

Rodney shifted, slightly nervous as Carson shucked his clothes. "What if somebody comes?" he asked. "You don't want to be naked in front of everyone, do you?"

Carson snorted softly, barely audible over the distant sound of waterfalls. "The only one I'm naked in front of right now is you," he said. "And really, if anyone else wanders by, I doubt they'll want to come up to an occupied pool. There's more than enough space here for privacy, and you can't see into this pool from the ground level." He dipped one foot in and hissed. "Och, it's a bit hot."

"If it's too hot, we could find another," Rodney said, not quite willing to take his clothes off.

Carson shook his head and stepped in. "It'll be fine in a moment. I just need to adjust a bit." He looked up at Rodney. "Well, come on then. In you go." He gestured impatiently.

Rodney looked around nervously, but didn't see anyone. "Yeah, right, okay. But if anybody comes trooping up to bother me in my nudity, it's so your fault."

Carson just smiled. "Nobody's goin' to bother us at this hour, love. Trust me. If they're here now, they're looking for privacy, just like we are." He held a hand out to Rodney.

"Right, right," Rodney muttered. He sighed and started stripping his clothes off.

"If you're that nervous, you can leave your shorts on. It's not like anyone will care."

Rodney glowered at him. "Yeah, right. And then I have to walk home with my pants soaking wet. Not likely."

"When did you get so daft, genius?" Carson snickered. "Wear them in here, then take 'em off before you put your trousers back on."

"Umm... no. Not really," Rodney said. He took a deep breath and shucked his boxers as well. "Okay, okay. There, naked. Are you happy now?"

Carson just grinned. "I'll be happier once you're in here with me."

"There's just no pleasing you," Rodney grumbled. He took Carson's hand and stepped down into the slightly-too-warm water. Yipping and hissing, he settled into it beside his lover. Carson, fortunately, was right, because it did get much more tolerable fairly quickly.

Carson tucked up next to him, half-floating, and they sat close to each other. He slid an arm around Rodney's shoulders. "It's lovely, isn't it?" he said, gesturing to the stars arcing above them, and the lights of the city below.

Rodney gazed out at the view for a long, silent moment. "Yeah," he finally said, his voice soft. "It really is something."

Carson leaned his head on Rodney's shoulder with a quiet sigh. When Rodney looked down at him a few moments later, he saw that Carson's eyes were closed. He pulled Carson closer, an arm around his waist. "It's good to be home again," Carson said, not bothering to open his eyes. "It was lovely go to back to Earth, but..."

"But what?"

Carson opened his eyes and looked up at Rodney. "But I'd rather be here with you. This is my home now, much as it frightens me sometimes to think that way."

"Carson--"

He shook his head. "I never thought I'd want so much to be with someone. It's not that I never hoped for it, but my work was always more important than anything else in my life. Mum always despaired of me finding anyone, you know."

Rodney nodded, nuzzling at Carson's forehead. "Yeah, I know. She said something like that one day when we were talking."

"Do you have any idea how happy that made her, you coming back home with me?" Carson kissed Rodney's neck, a soft, gentle touch that trailed down his throat from his jaw. "She'd been hoping for so many years that I'd bring someone home. She never quite knew what to expect. Every time I'd go back, she'd always ask if there was anyone for me. I could never tell her yes before."

"It hardly feels real," Rodney said. "It's more like some bizarre dream, you know? All that stuff happening -- Jeannie and my dad, and your whole family. I mean, your family? I swear they're all on drugs or something." He sighed. "I could hardly understand a word most of them said, you know."

Carson laughed, his breath on Rodney's throat. "I think they hardly understood you most of the time, either," he said.

"Well, they could hardly be expected to grasp my genius," Rodney muttered.

Carson snorted. "What you did for Kenneth Òg, that was a wonderful thing, Rodney. You've no idea how much that'll mean to him, getting away from Skye."

Rodney shrugged. "It wasn't much," he said. "Besides, I just couldn't see the kid spending the rest of his life gutting herring."

Carson favored him with a grin that was blinding, even in the dim light of the spa. "I'll not tell anyone you're so soft inside," he said, a wicked glint in his eyes.

"I am _not_ ," Rodney insisted, tickling Carson's side. Carson yipped and squirmed under his hand, wiggling away from him. The next thing Rodney knew, they were wrestling and laughing, attempting to tickle each other mercilessly.

Breathless, their bodies moved together, tumbling and splashing. Rodney kept forgetting just how strong Carson was, and he was a lithe, agile man for all that he carried a bit of extra weight around. It felt good -- really, really excellent, actually -- and Rodney couldn't help getting hard at the warm, vigorous contact. When Carson managed to pin him and duck him under, Rodney came up coughing and spewing water everywhere.

"You -- you drowned me!" he yelped.

Carson just grinned. "Well then, I guess I'd better start artificial respiration." He leaned on Rodney, holding him to the edge of the pool, and kissed him fiercely. Contrary to his stated aim, the kiss stole Rodney's breath rather than restoring it. The next thing he noticed was that Carson was just as hard as he was.

Oh yeah.

When Carson pulled back, they were both panting hard, and Carson had a feral gleam in his eyes. Rodney felt that same wild passion in his chest, swirling in his gut. He grabbed Carson by the shoulders and pulled him back into the kiss, bodies moving together, wanton and needy.

They surged together, arms and legs tangling, fingers in hair, cocks rubbing against one another in the slick heat of the water. Gasping, they bucked against each other, falling into sensation until everything vanished but pleasure and the sound of water.

When Rodney came, his fingers digging into Carson's ass, it was like a revelation. His need, his desire for this man overwhelmed him. This was real. It was wild and fierce and passionate, and Rodney had never known his life could be this way. This was worth anything -- everything. He gasped Carson's name as his body shuddered its release, and Carson wasn't far behind him.

A few moments later, when they relaxed into each other's arms, Rodney stared up at the stars above them. Still panting, he held Carson as they came down.

"Now this," Rodney finally said, when he thought his voice was under control, "this is why we should never be naked together in a hot tub. What if somebody walked in on that?"

Carson shook his head and chuckled, quiet and breathless. "They'd probably run," he said. "I can't imagine they'd want to be seein' anything like our two bare arses hanging out."

Rodney looked down at Carson. "Actually, I can think of a hell of a lot of people who'd probably pay to see your bare ass. Mine, not so much."

Carson rolled his eyes. "You do have a way of ruining the mood, don't you, _mo leannan_?"

Rodney snorted. "You've met me, right?"

Carson just kissed him again.

*** 

People were missing. It was still strange, the gaps in the Thursday Night Crew. Radek sighed, watching Rob Stackhouse curled up miserably in a corner talking to Terr Hill and Tanya Jones. Both had an arm around him. It had been about two months since the siege, but people were still aching from the losses. They'd only started meeting again last week. Radek burrowed into Geoff's side, tucking himself safely under his lover's arm. It would be a long time before everything returned to normal.

Gary Crendall, the SeaBee lieutenant, had died in the siege the same day Jackson DeLancie had. Nagazima Hiro had been taken by the Wraith as he crossed an open area trying to protect one of the scientists during the mad scramble for evacuation. Erin Siwicki looked forlorn without her Go partner. Peri Turner's arm was still in a cast, though it was nearly ready to come off, and Wen Lin Yao and Fran Lopez stayed close to her. Peter was deeply missed as well, leaving a gaping hole in Radek's life. Geoff was coping a little better, but there was still so much anger and grief in him.

A couple of new scientists had joined them, and the Novograd Twins were playing chess together as they talked to one of the Germans who had joined them from the Daedalus. She was tall, with blonde hair and glasses. There would no doubt be military who would find out about them, but that would take time. The military were far more cautious about seeking out others of their kind.

Carson and Rodney had returned yesterday. Rodney had asked if it would be all right if they came. He'd been uneasy, knowing how Geoff blamed him for Peter's death. He knew that the two of them had to resolve this, and avoidance would not help either of them. After all the losses everyone had suffered, seeing their own safe and well would help. And they had both had been missed while they were away on Earth.

"Will Carson and Rodney be here?" Erin asked. She sat in a chair today. It was strange not to see her sitting at the coffee table with Hiro at the Go board. She looked like she wasn't sure what to do with herself.

He nodded. "Yes. They should be here soon."

Geoff stiffened a bit. "I guess I have to deal with it sooner or later."

Radek nodded. "Just be yourself, _miláčku_. There is no need to discuss it all right now. You both just need to know you can be in the same place at the same time."

"I guess." Geoff sounded like he was not convinced. He sighed.

"Please," Radek said softly, stroking Geoff's chest with one hand. "There are not so many of us here. We cannot afford to be at one another's throats, even because of grief."

Geoff relaxed again. "I know. You're right. It's not his fault."

" _Miluju tě_ ," Radek whispered. "All I ask is that you try."

Erin got up and paced aimlessly between the couch and the dining table. Radek watched her prowling, restless and lost, and wondered why Tanya didn't get up to talk to her. Of course, Rob was still a mess after losing Jacks, so it made a certain amount of sense that people would pay more attention to him.

"Erin," Radek said. She looked up, still pacing. He gestured to her. "Come over here." He patted the couch next to him. "Come sit with me and Geoff."

She blinked for a moment then nodded. "Yeah." Erin moved gracefully around the couch and sat next to him, leaning into him. "Thanks."

He put an arm around her, and Geoff's hand followed it, fingers stroking the back of her neck. Erin closed her eyes and sighed, tucking her legs up under her and relaxing into them. "You okay?" Geoff asked.

"Mostly," she said. "It's just... it's really weird, you know? I played Go with Hiro every day except while I was on the mainland. Every day." She took a deep, slightly shaky breath. "We played since the day we met back in Antarctica. I just... I still miss him." She looked over at Geoff. "I miss Peter too," she said softly. "He was the best."

Radek looked over at Tanya. "Has she not been there for you?"

Erin shook her head sadly. "We broke up about a month ago. She, um... she was looking for Ms. Monogamy. I'm just not the type."

"I'm sorry," Radek said. He hugged her a little closer.

"I think I'm not anybody's type, really," she said with a quiet sigh. "Can't say I blame anyone. They all figure I'm weirder than a two-headed snake anyway."

Geoff shook his head. "No you're not." He let his fingers trail through the hair at the nape of her neck. "We all make choices. She wasn't willing to let you be who you are."

Erin shrugged and propped her feet on the coffee table. "It's her right to want somebody in an exclusive relationship. I couldn't do that for her. That was my choice." She looked away. "Doesn't mean it didn't hurt."

Radek cupped her cheek in one hand and gently pulled her head to rest on his shoulder. He nuzzled in her short brown hair. "I wish there was some way to make this better for you. I'm sorry."

"You can get me drunk later and let me be a pissy bitch," Erin said. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes with her wrist. "I don't really want to talk about it anymore right now. Hurts too much still."

"I think we can manage that," Geoff said. Radek nodded in agreement.

"Is not too much to ask," he said.

She nodded into his shoulder and folded her glasses up, sticking them into her jacket pocket. "I'd get drunk now if I didn't have to get up in the morning."

They didn't look up when the door opened, but Carson's cheery, "Evenin' everyone," let Radek know who had arrived.

He smiled as he looked up, pleased they had come. "Welcome home," he said, letting go of Erin and Geoff and rising to his feet. People got up and welcomed Rodney and Carson with hugs and questions, the room descending into a chaotic but more cheerful babble.

Everyone wanted to know how things were on Earth. Radek watched as Geoff offered a tentative hand to Rodney. Rodney's eyes were guarded, his shoulders tense, but he took the proffered hand briefly. "Welcome back," Geoff said.

Rodney nodded. "It's good to be home," he said, his voice somewhat subdued. There was a question in his eyes, but he apparently did not find the answer in Geoff's demeanor. After a moment, he turned to Radek.

Radek didn't give Rodney the chance to speak before enveloping him in a hug. "I am glad you've come back to us safe. I'm concerned about what happened on the Daedalus, though." Rodney was hesitant in his embrace, but took a deep breath and let Radek hold him for a moment.

"Yeah," he said. "Fucking Wraith."

"I hope, at least, that your holiday on Earth was a good one." Radek stepped away, not wanting to aggravate the stress between Geoff and Rodney. 

Rodney nodded. "It was okay."

"Oh, it was more than that," Carson said, a warm smile on his face. "We had a wonderful time with my family. Rodney's... well, his sister Jeannie's a lovely woman. His father, though; um." Carson blinked and swallowed. "Let's just say that the man's not one to be around."

Rodney snorted. "Oh yeah. Right. Don't tell anyone you punched him out."

Radek and Geoff stared at Carson. "You punched him?" Geoff asked in disbelief.

Carson blushed and looked Geoff in the eyes. "I couldn't stand the way he was abusing Rodney and his sister. It was awful." He shifted uneasily. "It was just the once. It was the CIA that finally hauled him away."

"The CIA?" Erin sounded almost as astonished as Radek felt.

"Rodney, why did the CIA take your father away?" Radek blinked.

"Well," Rodney said, "we think it was the CIA, anyway. It was a couple of men in black. I'm just too valuable for the SGC to let wander around unescorted, you know."

"Right," Geoff muttered.

"It's true," Rodney said. "You think that the SGC wants the Trust to get its hands on any of us? Not likely."

Radek nodded. "Yes, I have heard of these people. And no, I do not believe the SGC would want them even knowing about Atlantis."

"At any rate, we left for Scotland the next day," Carson said. Radek nodded. It made sense, if Rodney's father was as bad as all that. "We visited with Mum in Glasgow and then we all went up to Skye to see the rest of the family for a few days."

Erin smiled. "Skye is so beautiful. I wish I could have been there."

Carson nodded. "We had a lovely holiday."

"Except for your relatives trying to convince me to wear a kilt and be Catholic for a day," Rodney snorted. Half the room lost it at that. The very image of Rodney McKay in a kilt for any reason, or setting foot into a church was absurd. Radek laughed along with them. "Yeah," Rodney said. "That's about how I felt."

"Why the hell did they want to get you into a kilt and a church?" Tanya asked. "Somebody get married?"

"Not yet," Carson said. "Though they were surely trying hard enough to get us to do it right then."

"Wait," Lin Yao said. "You? And Rodney?" She blinked. "Married? I didn't think you could do that."

"His relatives probably don't care," Fran said. She winked at Carson.

"Actually," Carson said, blushing, "we could now. We found out when we were back on Earth. And... um... well, we've decided we're getting married in about a year." He gave them all a shy smile.

Radek took a step back, stunned. "You... what? Is this possible? You are going to Amsterdam to do this?" 

"No," Rodney said, shaking his head. "It's legal in Canada now."

"It is?" Erin said, incredulity in her voice as the room descended into a babble of excited talk. "I always knew you guys were saner than the Americans. This just proves it."

Rob Stackhouse sighed. "I doubt US military policy is going to change any."

"No," Rodney said. "They're still living in the fourteenth century. Weir's trying to get things changed for Atlantis personnel though."

"Wish they'd thought of it before they sent us on what everybody figured might be a one-way trip," Rob said, his voice bitter and aching. Tanya hugged him.

Carson nodded. "It's legal now in Spain, as well, apparently."

"Spain!" Fran snorted. " _Madre de dios_. From the people who gave us the Inquisition?"

"Married?" Terr said. "McKay? Not a chance." He slapped Rodney on the back. The congratulations came in a flurry, along with more hugging and laughter and teasing. Radek just stood back, stunned, and enjoyed it.

"I think this calls for the good stuff," Peri said. "I'll be back in a shot." She hurried out.

"There's good stuff?" Erin asked.

Fran poked her. "Everybody got stuff shipped in on the Daedalus yesterday. Haven't you unpacked anything yet?"

Radek took Rodney aside. "Congratulations, Rodney," he said. "I am very happy for you. And the rest of us, we needed this as well. You don't know what this means to everyone here."

Rodney snorted. "I'm not marrying everyone here." His mouth curved into a crooked grin. "Just Carson."

Radek couldn't resist and leaned in to kiss Rodney on either cheek. Rodney blushed, flustered, but said nothing. Geoff just watched. Radek could see the question in him, but truly, he'd meant no more than just congratulating Rodney. 

Erin hurried over and hugged Rodney. "Good luck," she said. She kissed him on the cheek as well, and Geoff relaxed slightly at that. "If anybody around here deserves to be happy, it's you two."

Rodney gave her a strange look but held on to her for a long moment. "Thanks," he said.

Radek wished for just an instant that Rodney had held him like that, but he doubted such a thing would ever happen now that Rodney and Carson were marrying. And with Geoff still so deep in his grief, it certainly was not a good time to even consider the idea.

No matter what anyone might think of the fact that they had a... flexible relationship, Radek loved Geoff very much. He would never deliberately do anything to hurt him. Geoff looked at Radek. "I never thought McKay would get married," he said softly, so that Rodney couldn't overhear. "Not even to Carson."

Radek leaned into him, slipping one arm about his lover's waist. He shrugged. "Nor did I, but I am happy for them. Having Carson has changed him so much." He tugged at Geoff's arm, seating them both on the couch. "How do you feel about all of this?"

Geoff sighed and looked up at Carson and Rodney, regret in his eyes, as their friends all talked together. "I don't know. A little jealous, I guess."

"About Carson?" Radek asked. 

"About all of it, I think." Geoff pulled Radek closer, hugging him. "No way Rodney's going to let Carson out of his sight if they're gonna get married."

Radek nodded and sighed. "I know what you mean. Trust me, I sympathize."

Geoff nodded. "And, you know, that they're actually making it official." 

Radek raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Peri entered before Radek could explore Geoff's comment further, a bottle of Australian wine in one hand. "Well, this looked like the best one of the bunch." She pulled a corkscrew out of her pocket. "Radek, luv, you want to get out some glasses for us?" She grinned and set to opening the bottle.

He nodded and got glasses out for everyone. It was a motley assortment of mugs, wine glasses, and water glasses, but he knew no one would care. Peri opened the bottle and poured a little in each glass, while Geoff passed them around to everyone. 

"Here's to you, boys," Peri said, raising her glass. "Cheers."

Everyone raised a glass and responded. Rodney looked distinctly uneasy with the attention. Carson just blushed. "Any words for the assembled masses?" Terr asked. He grinned.

Carson and Rodney looked at each other. "No," Rodney said. Carson elbowed him in the ribs. Several people stifled giggles. "Ow. Okay, okay. Um, thanks. We, ah, we're really happy that we can do this, and that... well... that you're happy for us," he muttered. He looked over at Carson. "Okay? Is that all right?"

Carson smiled. "Oh, aye, that'll do," he said. Looking around at everyone, Carson said, "I'm ever so pleased we can share this with you. It's not a thing I ever expected." He caught Rodney's gaze and their eyes locked. Radek could almost see the emotion between them that bound them together. "I love you, Rodney, and I'm glad you asked me," Carson said softly.

"Rodney asked Carson?" Geoff whispered into Radek's ear. "Who would guess he had that much sense?"

Radek shrugged. "But he is a genius. Just ask him." He chuckled. "This may be the smartest thing he's ever done." He watched as everyone celebrated, drinking wine and talking with Carson and Rodney.

"I guess I just... I wish that we could have that too," Geoff said softly. "Not because I want us to be monogamous, but to have our relationship recognized like they'll be doing."

Radek reached out, touching Geoff's chest with the tips of his fingers. "Do you want that because you want it, or because they are going to have it?"

Geoff's brow wrinkled. "Probably just because they have it," he admitted. "It doesn't really make that much difference here, does it? And I don't want the exclusivity implied in the legal forms." He took Radek's hand gently. "Erin's right about that, at least. That's not who I am. It's not what I want for us."

Radek nodded. "I thought as much. I just had to be sure." He smiled. "For us, then, we must be content with what we have, and not hope for what we have wanted."

"Unless Dr. Weir decides that poly marriages are legal here," Geoff said with a sharp, mischievous grin. It had been too long since Radek had seen that on his lover's face. "Then I could marry you and half a dozen other people too."

Radek laughed. "You, _miláčku_ , you are insatiable." He tilted his face up and kissed Geoff. "I love you for that."

Geoff looked over at Rodney. "I never thought I'd see that man looking happy," he said.

Radek took Geoff in his arms. "Do you begrudge him that?"

"No," Geoff said, shaking his head and returning the hug. "I'm just trying to remind myself that he... that he didn't take Peter from me. That none of it was deliberate. I have to remind myself that he's still my friend."

"I am pleased you can still call him that," Radek told him. The words warmed him, and he knew that it was only a matter of time and letting the two men talk. He wasn't certain what, if anything, they'd said to each other when Geoff was with the three of them as they were detoxing from the stimulants after the siege, but Geoff had left hints. 

"I've had two months to think about it," Geoff said. "I'm still not all right with it, but I'm not as angry at him as I was." He kissed Radek's forehead, arms still around him. "I'm not upset that you still want him."

Radek nodded. "He is like no one else."

"Thank god," Geoff said. "I don't think anybody could handle two of him."

"Come now," Radek said, tugging on Geoff's shoulder. "We should spend time with the others. There is time enough for talking later."

"And for other things." Geoff smiled, and Radek was glad.

*** 

Rodney woke in the night, nauseous. "Oh shit," he muttered as he staggered into the bathroom. He made it to the toilet before he lost his dinner. This was not good. It was really not good. Carson had said he might get sick again, and he really didn't want to think about what this meant.

A few moments later, Carson joined him. "Rodney?" His voice was bleary and concerned, but Rodney was too busy dry heaving to pay much attention. Carson held him, gently stroking his back. "I want to get you to the infirmary as soon as you can walk," he said.

Rodney nodded, trying to catch his breath. "Right." He wondered if Sheppard would get sick again too. Radiation sucked. He'd always figured he'd die like this, puking his guts, losing his hair, lesions rising on his skin. Of course, it hadn't got to that yet, but it was only a matter of time. Radiation was cumulative. You never got rid of lifetime exposure.

He heaved again, his stomach cramping, and Carson was fussing and fretting quietly. Rodney thought that was only fitting. The man he wanted to marry _should_ be fussing and fretting if he was going to die of radiation poisoning. Not that he wanted to die, mind, but certain death seemed a far too familiar companion around here.

When he finished puking, he was exhausted. It was like he'd been sucked dry by a Wraith. He didn't actually know how that felt, exactly, but being a genius, he had a very vivid imagination. That, and really, he'd felt about like this on the Daedalus after their initial exposure. It sucked very, very badly. He tugged at his hair, wondering if it was going to start falling out already.

"Rodney," Carson said softly, "it's not goin' to do that. You've a ninety percent chance of surviving this. You'll feel weak and tired and ill for a while, but by the end of the month, you should be fine."

Rodney nodded, hoping Carson wasn't just saying that to make both of them feel better. As far as he was concerned, a ten percent chance of dying was astronomical. He looked up and saw the worry in his lover's eyes. "About the infirmary."

Carson nodded. "Yes?"

"I think I need some help." Carson's arm tucked under his, wrapping around him, strong and warm. They both shifted and Carson helped him up. Rodney was dizzy. "Oh, yeah. Definitely need help," he groaned.

"I've got you, love." Rodney leaned on Carson, who took him to the bed and let him sit. "Just let me get some trousers on. We'll be off right away."

"Fine. Good." Rodney lay down while Carson tugged on pants, shirt, socks and shoes. He helped Rodney sit and wrapped his robe around him. Rodney's stomach rolled again. "Maybe, ah..." he swallowed convulsively. "Maybe I need a gurney."

Carson grabbed his radio and called for a med team.

Rodney reached out to him, feeling too miserable to say anything. Carson sat with him again, holding him close. "I know you don't feel well, _mo leannan_ ," Carson told him, "but we'll get you set right again. I'll take care of you."

Rodney's eyes closed, and he held onto Carson. "Don't wanna die," he whispered miserably.

"You're not goin' ta die," Carson insisted. Rodney hoped it was genuine conviction in his voice rather than just an attempt to convince himself. "I want you to just rest, love. This is like to take a while for you to get over."

"Radek's going to love this," Rodney grumbled.

Carson sighed. "He'll worry about you, and aye, he'll wish you were back doing your own job, but you know he'll take care of everything while you're not feeling well."

Rodney's stomach cramped again, and he curled into himself, Carson's arms around him, Carson's voice soft in his ear, telling him to try to relax, not to panic. It helped, but not nearly enough. Rodney was trying hard to focus past the nausea and control his breathing when the med team arrived. They got him onto the gurney quickly, taking pulse and blood pressure as they transported him. He saw Carson following along behind, rumpled and frantic, snapping instructions at his people.

He didn't really pay attention to the discussion Carson had with them as they hurried for the infirmary. What he noticed was the sharp ache of an IV in the back of his hand and people scurrying about doing medical things. 

"We've got some Compazine in you," Carson told him, "and we've got you on IV liquids for dehydration." Carson took a quick, deep breath. "You've not been showing any signs of anemia yet, so that's a good thing, but you're like to feel tired and ill for a while now."

Rodney nodded, his head starting to hurt. "Headache," he murmured as Carson took his hand. 

"You'll sleep soon, love, and it won't hurt for long. I want you to just rest." Carson looked pale and upset. "I'll be near, don't worry."

"Good," Rodney said, squeezing Carson's hand as he felt the medications start taking effect. Things were growing fuzzy around the edges. He kept his eyes open as long as he could, just looking at Carson, needing to know he was there.

*** 

Carson sighed, leaning against the pillar in his lab. He was tired, trying to keep watch over Rodney as well as do all the other work he had.

"Carson, I think it's time you took a break." Shel Tuchman was beside him, one warm hand on his shoulder. "You've been leaning there for the past ten minutes."

He looked over at her. "Oh. I didn't know it had been so long." He straightened up. "I suppose you're right, then."

She took his elbow and led him to the break room. "Go sit. I'll get you some coffee." 

Carson sat and gave Shel a tired smile. "Thanks, luv. You're far too good to me."

She brought him the coffee a moment later, prepared as he always took it. "It's no trouble. A good boss is hard to come by." She smiled at him, then sat across the table from him, her smile fading. "He's going to be okay."

Carson took a sip of the coffee then rested his face in the palms of his hands. "I know," he said, exhaustion catching up with him. "It's just so hard to see him like this, feeling so poorly and naught to do about it but try to make sure he's comfortable."

He felt her pat his arm. "He's doing fine. He was bitching at Anand earlier today. You know you really only need to worry when he's not making a fuss."

Carson lifted his face. "I know, Shel, but sometimes it's just hard having him in here so much. It seems every time I turn around, he's hurt again somehow. I wish I could keep him safe."

"You do everything you can," she said. "In life, there are no guarantees. We get this moment, and it's up to us to do what we can with it." Her hand slid down his arm and her fingers twined with his. "The truth is, you've been good for each other. When I first realized you were together, I didn't think it would last this long. I thought he'd hurt you, but I was wrong, and I'm glad of that."

Carson's mouth twitched and he sighed. "I've always been disappointed by how people expected Rodney to treat me badly, but he never has. He's a far better man than most folks are still willing to credit him, even after all we've been through and all he's done."

She nodded. "I know that now. He's just good at keeping people at a distance. And I heard that he asked you to marry him. Everyone's talking about it." She smiled. "Congratulations, Carson. When were you planning on telling us?"

He shrugged. "I still sometimes wonder if it's all real. And we won't be making it official until next year, regardless. It's nothing to make a fuss over yet."

"Is this something you want to do?" she asked. 

"More than anything," Carson told her, his chest tightening at the thought. "I never thought I'd have that with anyone," he admitted, "least of all with Rodney, but he's always been one to surprise me." He let himself smile a little. "I was shocked when he asked, you know. I thought he was having me on, but he was serious."

Their break was interrupted when Carol Bentz hurried in, slightly out of breath and looking upset. "Carson, Colonel Sheppard's just come in."

"Oh, bloody hell," Carson said, knowing what it was but wishing it were different. "Please tell me he's here to visit Rodney."

Carol shook her head. "Sorry, no. He's exhibiting symptoms of radiation poisoning, but not as severe as Rodney's."

Carson got to his feet. "Right, then, let's get to work. We've a bit of a rough patch ahead of us." He steeled himself for a tense, ugly day.

*** 

"This is your fault, you know," Rodney muttered, looking over at Sheppard. John rolled his eyes.

"What was I supposed to do? Let the Daedalus go diving through the corona of the star?" He sighed. "Beckett says we're going to be all right."

"Well maybe we could have--"

"No, Rodney, there was nothing else we could do. You may recall this little problem we were having with hard vacuum in the fighter bay at the time?" John was exhausted and nauseous and Rodney wasn't helping his headache at all. "So just put a cork in it and let me pass out in peace, would you?"

Rodney shook his head. "We're so doomed."

John closed his eyes. "We are not doomed. We're just sick. There's a difference."

"I hate being sick," Rodney muttered. 

"Go to sleep, McKay." John rolled onto his side, facing away from Rodney. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

There was the sound of someone entering the room. John figured it was probably Beckett, but it was Zelenka's voice that spoke. "Rodney, how are you doing?"

"Dying, thank you," Rodney growled.

"You are not," Zelenka said, coming closer. John rolled over again and watched as the little Czech moved.

"Radiation poisoning--" Rodney started.

"Yours is not so severe, and you are likely to survive this and choke to death on something in the mess hall instead," Zelenka said, amusement in his voice. The set of his shoulders, though, told a different story. The man was uneasy as he offered his tablet to Rodney.

"What is it that can't wait until I'm decently buried?" Rodney snapped, taking the tablet.

"Stop it, Rodney," Zelenka said softly. The worry in his voice was unmistakable. "I knew you would be bored, so I brought you the report on the newest naquadah generator calculations. Also, Major Lorne's team has reported potential naquadah deposits on PM1-569, and Geoff has been asking to take a geological team to determine its potential for mining."

Rodney looked at the screen and began tapping it, no doubt bringing up reports and statistics. Zelenka hovered over him, almost close enough to be touching. "And what's your take on it?" Rodney asked.

Zelenka shrugged. "I'm not a geologist."

"Yes, yes," Rodney said, looking up at him. It seemed strange to John that Rodney didn't mind how close Zelenka was standing. Usually he was fairly insistent on his personal space. "Your inadequacies are myriad. So?"

"If Geoff believes we should check it out, I would agree."

There were definitely days when he wondered why Zelenka didn't just smack Rodney upside the head. "Right," Rodney said. "So send him."

Zelenka sighed. "I don't know that I want to send him offworld." The fondness on his face puzzled John. He knew the two of them got into it regularly. He would hear them fighting in the lab or the corridors on a regular basis, and he'd seen how angry Zelenka got sometimes. Then again, they also seemed to share a brain more often than not, so who really knew what was going on between them.

Rodney glared at him. "Oh please. He's been offworld before. Lorne won't let anything happen to him."

Zelenka scowled. "Yes, absolutely, because the Colonel never lets anything happen to you when you are offworld." There was a sharp note of anger in the statement.

"Hey!" John objected. "I can't help it if he can't keep his mouth shut."

Zelenka turned to him with a look of embarrassment on his face. "Oh, Colonel. I didn't realize you were awake."

John snorted. "That was obvious."

"I thought you were sleeping," Rodney said.

"Changed my mind," John told him, giving him a wan smile. He felt lousy, but hassling the geeks could be fun. It might even take his mind off his misery for a while.

"Colonel, I--" Zelenka began, raising his hands defensively.

John snorted. "I think I'm insulted." He wasn't, really, but he'd let Zelenka think he was, just to see what would happen.

"Come on, Sheppard," Rodney said, waving a hand at him. "Don't give the man a stroke." He reached out and took Zelenka's elbow for a moment. John raised an eyebrow at the casual touch. "If I'm incapacitated, you need him to run the city. He can't do that if he's in the bed next to us."

"I am not about to have a stroke, Rodney," Zelenka snapped, swatting his hand. "You are projecting your hypochondria onto me now."

Rodney growled at him. "I am _not_ a hypochondriac. I just happen to be extraordinarily sensitive to my health."

"This is not what Carson says," Zelenka muttered.

"Traitor," Rodney grumbled. John watched as he shifted, turning away from both of them. "See if I play chess with you again."

"You never play chess with me," Zelenka said. He poked at the tablet. "Now, I have work to do. You go ahead and look these documents over. Carson said you were well enough to have a little distraction."

"Your concern is staggering," Rodney said. He put the tablet on the table beside his bed. "Go, before the city sinks."

John couldn't help chuckling to himself. That sounded a lot more like the Rodney and Zelenka he heard in the hallways. "Later, Doc," he said as Zelenka turned to go.

"I hope you are feeling better soon, Colonel," Zelenka told him, waving as he departed.

"Thanks." John looked over at Rodney. "'Before the city sinks'?" he asked.

Rodney shrugged and looked over his shoulder at John. "Gotta keep him on his toes."

"You know, not everybody's as eager to go offworld as you are. Zelenka's been notably reluctant about it, and I can get why he doesn't want his boyfriend out of his sight, considering what happens to the Gate teams so often."

Rodney turned over again to face John. He sighed. "His fears are unreasonable. The planet they're talking about, you know it's uninhabited. It's not like Osbourne's gonna get speared by irate natives or stumble into underground Amish nuclear bunkers."

"There is that," John admitted. His stomach twisted and he groaned, curling in on himself and clutching his gut.

"Oh, shit," Rodney said, panicked. "Are you okay? Do you want me to call Carson?" He had his hand on the call button.

"No," John insisted. "I'm fine."

Rodney pressed the button anyway. "Liar," he bitched. "You are so not okay. You look green. Just don't projectile vomit on me, okay? Face the other way if you're gonna puke." He pointed to the other side of the room.

"Asshole," John groaned, choking back the urge to do just that.

Beckett scurried in with a med team at his heels. "Rodney?"

"It's Sheppard," Rodney told him. Beckett ran to his side.

"Easy, son," Beckett said, "lie back and try to relax. Tell me what's happening."

When he opened his mouth to try, John lost what little had been in his stomach all over Beckett's lab coat. Beckett shouted orders and a few moments later, the nausea began easing and John's exhaustion slipped into sleep.

*** 

Rodney was glad to be home after two days under Carson's watchful eye in the infirmary. Not that Carson wasn't watching Rodney when he was home, but at least he wasn't hovering the entire day. Bed rest, though; Rodney wasn't so sure he wanted that kind of boredom. Carson had been adamant that he couldn't work, though reading was permitted.

"And stay in bed," Carson had told him when he brought Rodney home. The ride in the wheelchair had annoyed Rodney immensely, but Carson insisted.

He had to admit he was really too exhausted to get up and do much of anything, but at least the nausea had finally passed. What little was left he could take oral Compazine for instead of being hooked up to an IV. He was worried about the Colonel, but Carson had said Sheppard would mostly likely be released to quarters himself in the next day or two.

Rodney sighed as he rolled over, staring out the window at the towers in the distance. One of the moons was full in the daylight sky, showing dimly behind the towers. He realized he'd never seen it like that before. Really, he'd been too busy locked away in his lab to notice, or offworld with his team. It was beautiful.

He wondered if Sheppard would want to take a jumper and visit the moons sometime, to do a little research. It was funny how many of his childhood dreams had come true in his years with the SGC, and here in Atlantis -- being an astronaut had been one of them. Then again, his memories of his EVA weren't exactly the best. He shuddered when he thought of Peter, dying alone in the satellite.

Uneasy, he grabbed his robe, wrapping it around himself, and got up. A wave of dizziness enveloped him for a moment, but it passed, leaving him feeling even greyer than before, if that was possible. He'd left a book in the living room and reading was better than boredom, even if it was just a cheap murder mystery. He'd already figured out whodunit, of course. They were always so predictable. But the chance to just read a real book for a change was appealing. 

Settling into his chair, he propped his feet up. Not being directly upright helped his head, but he still felt more than a little off. Much as he resented the whole bed rest thing, he knew he wasn't in any shape to be working right now. It was annoying. There were seventeen billion better things he could be doing if he only felt right.

He'd been lost in the book for about forty pages when the door chimed. "What?" he snapped.

The door opened quietly. "May I come in?" Geoff Osbourne stood in the corridor. He had a tray in his hands.

Rodney suppressed a cringe. He wasn't sure if it was Geoff or the tray of food that did it. "I guess so." He set the book down. "What did you want?"

"Carson asked me to make sure you had something mid-morning when I was in for my post-mission checkup." He brought the tray over as the door shut behind him. "So here I am." He set it down on the side table and slid it toward Rodney.

"Was there naquadah?" Rodney looked at the tray. His stomach twisted. He pushed it away.

"Yeah." Geoff looked at him. "You don't want anything?"

"Stomach's bothering me. Why don't you put it in the kitchen. Maybe I'll eat it later." He made a tired gesture toward the other room.

Geoff shook his head. "Carson said you might say that and told me to make sure you had at least a little soup." He pushed the tray back to Rodney across the side table.

Rodney glowered at him. "Sent you to do his dirty work, eh?"

Geoff shrugged. "Actually, I asked. I know you're not feeling well, but we really should talk at some point."

"Oh, great," Rodney muttered.

Geoff took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." He turned to go.

Rodney reached out a hand to him. "No. Wait."

"I... Are you sure?" Geoff turned back to him, one eyebrow raised.

Rodney nodded and gestured to the chair next to him. "Yeah. We should talk." He sighed.

Geoff nodded and went to sit next to him. He shifted restlessly for a few minutes, looking everywhere but at Rodney. Rodney poked at the soup on his tray, wondering what Carson had made Geoff bring him.

"I don't actually blame you," Geoff finally said, his voice soft. Rodney looked over at him, letting the soup drip from his spoon back into the bowl.

"I still do," Rodney told him.

Geoff looked unsettled. "I know," he said finally. "You... you said a lot of things while you and Carson and Radek were in detox."

Rodney closed his eyes and leaned back into the chair. "I don't remember most of it," he admitted. "Everything's fuzzy. I have no idea what I said. I just remember Carson struggling with... with the restraints, and how he'd scream." His stomach lurched and he fought the rising nausea the memory triggered.

Geoff's voice shook when he replied. "It was bad."

"That much I got," Rodney growled.

"You kept talking about getting the short straw, about thinking you were the one who was going to die." Geoff shifted and the chair made a quiet squeak.

"It should have been me."

"No." Geoff's hand was on Rodney's wrist, squeezing. "No, it shouldn't have. Peter could never have done what you did during the siege. It wasn't his field. We needed you."

Rodney opened his eyes and looked over at Geoff. "You loved him. How can you say that?"

Geoff nodded, not letting go of Rodney's wrist. "Of course I loved him. And I miss him like hell and I'm angry that he's gone and I wish he were still with us. But that doesn't mean I'd rather you'd died. "

"I can't change anything that happened," Rodney said. "That whole timeship thing, I mean, if I could, I would."

"It's not like we've got a DeLorean," Geoff said.

"Oh, please. Those were the world's stupidest --" Rodney stared as Geoff broke into a wide grin. "Bastard."

Geoff's thumb stroked Rodney's wrist. "I'm sorry I blamed you. I was wrong. The only thing I can really say is that I was hurting a lot, and... well, you were the most convenient target. I'm sorry."

His light blue eyes were wide and sincere. Rodney was torn between being angry that Geoff had blamed him and the knowledge that Geoff was, when all was said and done, one of his friends. He nodded. "Okay. Right. Can we stop talking now?"

Geoff released his wrist. "Yeah. Yeah, we can. But you have to eat so that Carson doesn't kick my ass from here into next week." He gestured at the tray.

"Maybe I'd like to see that," Rodney said, grinning.

Geoff winked. "I could always send Radek in."

"Oh please, he's too small to sit on me and force it down my throat."

"True, but he's got the advantage of not being weak as a kitten right now. He could hold you down with one finger." Geoff smiled. "And besides, Carson says if you don't actually eat, he's gonna put you back on an IV. So get with it."

Rodney glared at him. Carson would so do it, too. "Yeah, okay. Fine. Eating." He started sipping at the soup. It was almost too cool for his taste, but he managed to choke a little bit down despite the nausea. Geoff just sat and watched.

"Do you mind?" Rodney asked.

"How do I know you're not gonna pour it down the sink the minute I turn my back?"

Crap. That had been his plan, actually. "Bastard."

"You keep saying that."

"It keeps being true."

Geoff stayed until Rodney had eaten half the bowl and drunk part of the cup of tea Carson had sent. "You need help back to bed?" Geoff asked.

"No," Rodney said, trying to rise by himself. He wobbled and sat back down.

"Liar." Geoff got up and offered him a hand. Rodney stared at it for a long moment before he finally accepted it and let Geoff help him. He tried not to lean on him too hard.

"It's not lying. It's... umm... prevarication." He sat on the bed. "I can do the rest of this myself. Go away."

Geoff nodded. "Okay. You need anything, you be sure to call Carson."

Rodney sighed. "Right. Sleeping now." Geoff got the message and left.

It was more effort than it should have been to get his robe off and get back under the covers, but he fell asleep almost as soon as his head touched the pillow.

*** 

Elizabeth sat with John after her working day was over. She still had her radio in her ear, because she never knew when there might be an emergency, but indications were that it would be a quiet night. Sheppard had been asleep most of the last fifteen minutes, but she was working out a crossword puzzle and was fairly absorbed in it.

"Hey." John's voice was soft and exhausted.

"John, how are you?" She set her crossword down.

"Been better." He looked pale, with dark arcs under his eyes. "How's my city?"

"Everything's fine. Major Lorne is holding things together in your absence."

John nodded. "As long as it's not Caldwell." He looked around. "Where's Rodney?"

"Carson sent him home this morning on bed rest." She pulled her chair closer to his bed.

"Lucky bastard."

She chuckled. "I doubt he considers himself lucky. You know how he is."

He raised one hand. "Yeah, but he doesn't have tubes stuck in him anymore, does he?"

Elizabeth smiled. "No, but if he doesn't eat regularly, Carson's threatened him with IVs."

John looked vaguely queasy. "Yeah. Usually I'd say there's no way he'd miss a meal, but if he's still feeling anything like I am? Ugh."

"Carson's gone home for the evening," she said. "Doctor Bentz is on duty at the moment."

John's eyes closed. "She'll just stick me with more needles," he complained.

"Can I get you anything?" Elizabeth offered him a cup of water.

He nodded. Opening his eyes, he took the cup from her. "Yeah. They got lime jello?"

"You want jello?"

"Well, it kinda wiggles too much, but the idea of anything else really makes me want to heave."

She nodded. "All right. I'll see if I can get some for you." She tapped her radio and talked to the duty staff in the mess, asking to have some sent up. "You're in luck. They have lime tonight." She took the cup when he was done with it.

"I'm surprised Beckett isn't taking time off to hover over McKay at home. It's like they've been married for years," John said.

Elizabeth shrugged. "Rodney's in no danger at the moment. If he was, Carson would never have let him out of the infirmary."

"Okay, so there's that. It just weirds me out a little sometimes, the way they get."

She tilted her head. "I thought you'd gotten past that?"

He sighed. "Yeah. It's the whole getting married thing. Definitely weird. I mean, not so much that... well, okay, that it's legal now, but also that it's them, you know?"

"I must admit that I could never envision Rodney settling down with anyone," she agreed.

John smiled a little. "I could never envision Rodney even dating anyone."

Elizabeth chuckled. "There is that."

"I still have no idea how Beckett puts up with him." John's eyes half-closed and he folded his hands over his stomach. "He drives me nuts and I only have to work with him. Well, and hang out with him off duty."

"I can see it's a chore for you," she said, laughing.

"Okay, maybe not so much." He waved one hand. "He's a hell of a lot better around people than he used to be."

"I think Carson had a lot to do with that."

John nodded. "Yeah, but I think being here did, too. None of us have had much choice about learning to cope with seriously strange stuff and depending on others to survive. I think that was a hard lesson for him."

"So much depends on him," Elizabeth said quietly. "He's had to carry so much of the weight around here this past year. I'm glad he's had some time on Earth, and that he's found something good with Carson."

"If his ego wouldn't explode all over the room, I'd tell him stuff like that more often."

"He still needs to hear it." She took John's hand. "And so do you. We all depend on you as well. I know we don't always agree on what needs to be done, but I know you always try to put the welfare of the mission before your own, and I appreciate it."

"It's my job, Elizabeth. Nothing special."

"I disagree." She squeezed his hand. "It's a very special thing. We may not see eye to eye on every issue, but I've never doubted your dedication to Atlantis."

"The only thing I've got to go back to is flying choppers at McMurdo," he said. "Even with the Wraith, this is a better option. And hey, I got a promotion out of it."

"I do wish that you'd reconsider your suicidal tactics now and then, though," she told him. Her heart was heavy in her chest at how often she'd nearly lost him and Rodney. The past year had far too high a cost. "I really don't want to have to replace you anytime soon."

"I'd kinda like to not be replaced." He gave her a little smile.

"So have they said anything about the wedding?" she asked, shifting away from the uncomfortable subject.

"No, not really." He tugged his hand back from her. "Though I heard rumors about kilts." He grinned.

She giggled, imagining Rodney in a kilt. "I seriously doubt that's going to happen."

"Yeah. I can't see Rodney shaving his legs to wear a skirt."

"John!"

"Now, Beckett, on the other hand--"

" _John_!" She laughed.

"Okay, maybe not. So don't repeat that. I don't need him pulling out the big-bore needles tomorrow when he gets in."

"I suspect you should worry about Rodney, too."

"Ummm... yeah. That man's more dangerous than a whole herd of rabid wildebeests."

"Don't let him hear you say that, either."

"Seriously. It would be like James Bond had been there. My entire secret hideout would be vaporized."

"You don't have a secret hideout, John."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "How do you know?"

"Rodney would tell me." She grinned.

"Oh. Right. Damn."

"On the other hand," she said, "I'm perfectly capable of believing that _he_ has a secret hideout."

He blinked. "You think?" John paused for a moment. "Nah. He'd have told me."

"What makes you think that?"

His eyes sparkled. "Hey, he let me shoot him that once. And push him from a balcony. Now that's a best friend."

"Men," she snorted.

"We fart, too," he deadpanned.

She was saved by the arrival of the jello. "It looks like your dinner is here."

"Thrills," John said. He waved at the young woman who brought it. She handed it to Elizabeth.

"As you requested, Dr. Weir."

"Thank you," Elizabeth said. "I appreciate your running it up to us." She smiled at the woman. 

John took the jello as the woman left. "You think they're gonna have any trouble about this getting married thing?" he asked. "I mean, I know we shipped out the folks who were upset about them being together in the first place, but this whole issue is just... different."

"I don't think so," she said. "I've already spoken to SGC and to the President about it. Considering our status, we may even see the US military's policy on same sex relationships relaxed for permanent Atlantis personnel."

John nodded. "Heard anything back on that?"

"Not yet. It may be that since I'm back here, we're just too far away for them to be concerned with, but I know it would make life easier on our people."

John shrugged as he sucked on a tiny spoonful of jello. "It's not like you can't go back on the Daedalus and kick ass if you need to."

"I hope it won't come to that." She sighed. Considering the political climate back on Earth, it wouldn't surprise her if several countries fought the change in Atlantis's legal structure.

"Well, it's not like they can do anything to prevent them from getting married. Rodney's Canadian, after all. His own government would pitch a bitch if anyone tried to stop it."

"There are other nations that would support the changes on a wider scale. Things being what they are, I'm uncomfortable with unequal liberties for different people permanently assigned to the expedition."

John nodded. "Yeah. With the rumors I've heard around the SGC, I'd be surprised if Hammond doesn't support us. O'Neill? Definitely. Maybe Landry as well. It's the rest of the military we'd have to take on."

Elizabeth thought about her allies on the international committee. "It doesn't hurt to have friends in high places," she said softly.

"I know. I heard you had to pull some strings for my promotion." He set the spoon in the jello cup. "I never did thank you for that."

"You deserved it, John. I just made sure it happened." It had been quite a battle, but she wasn't going to tell him that. "There's no need to thank me."

He snorted softly. "Dad never thought I'd make it this far."

Elizabeth's eyes widened. John had never mentioned any family. She'd been under the impression he didn't have any. "Obviously, he was wrong."

"Yeah," he said. "I'm kinda tired, Elizabeth." He set the jello down on the bedside tray. "Thanks for coming to see me."

He was obviously uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, and it was also apparent he was still very tired. "Okay, John. You get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow."

He smiled at her, eyes crinkling, and relaxed back into his pillows. With a sigh, he shut his eyes. She took one last look and headed off for dinner.

*** 

Rodney huddled miserably in a blanket out on his balcony. The sun was shining and it was, objectively at least, a very nice day, but he felt lousy. He'd been home for three days already and he was still exhausted. At least he'd felt well enough to get dressed and sit in the sun today. Jeans and a t-shirt were infinitely better than laying in bed.

He'd had a visitor or two every day since he'd been released from the infirmary, but they never stayed long. He was relieved, really. Carson had said it would take time to get over this, but it was like a flu that never let go. Aches, exhaustion, mild nausea, and worst of all, he had no appetite at all, so the hypoglycemia tended to sneak up on him when he wasn't looking. Rodney was used to his body warning him about stuff like that well in advance.

How the hell did people without hypoglycemia even remember to eat? Ever?

Leaning back in the lounge chair Carson had scrounged from somewhere, Rodney shivered a little. It wasn't that cold, but the bone weariness left him a little more susceptible to it. Hell, he'd probably catch pneumonia or something, but he really needed the change of scenery and the fresh air. Carson had given him ten kinds of hell for leaving their quarters yesterday and taking a walk down to the lab.

It wasn't even like Rodney had been planning on working. He just wanted to get out. Well, of course, once he'd got there Kusanagi had squealed and the next thing he knew Carson was breathing down his neck, and not in a nice way.

Life sucked.

What was worse were Kusanagi's congratulations on his engagement, and the Hello Kitty rice maker she'd given him. It sat in the kitchen, smiling, and he wanted to kill the damned thing.

Contemplating evil Japanese kittens was better than the fragmentary memories that had been returning from when he and Carson and Radek had been in detox, though. They'd been jamming their way into his sleep like shards of glass, sharp and painful. It was hard enough to keep them down in the light of day when he was this tired, but when he was asleep, he was helpless.

The door chimed and he was saved from having to wallow in that particular misery for a while longer. He got up and shuffled inside, pulling the blanket closer around his shoulders as he made his way to the door. "Who is it and what do you want?"

The door opened and Radek was standing there. "Oh," Rodney said. "It's you." He gestured. "What's exploding?"

"Nothing." Radek slipped past him into the apartment. "How are you feeling today?"

"Lousy. Same as yesterday. Same, apparently, as tomorrow." Rodney snorted. He led the way to the couch and sat. Radek sat on the couch with him. "I'm gonna die like this, you know; expiring of ennui wasn't something I expected."

"You are not dying, Rodney. Carson would never have let you go home if you were."

"It's a ploy." Rodney settled back against the couch cushions. "He knows I'd panic if I had to stay in the infirmary like this so he's letting me die at home."

Radek pulled a pillow from the arm of the couch and swatted Rodney with it. "Liar."

Rodney grumbled. "Okay, okay. So I'm not actually dying, I just wish I were. Can you create some sort of emergency that requires my presence?"

"No. Carson would amputate something important. But I can at least manufacture an excuse to have you come to lunch with me."

Rodney thought about it for a moment, not entirely sure he was hungry. "I don't know," he mumbled.

Radek shot him a peculiar look. "You don't know? This from a man who is never to be parted from his food supply?"

"I just can't tell if I'm hungry anymore."

Radek's eyes darkened. "Maybe you are dying."

"Oh, thank you," Rodney snapped. "And I'm sure you can't wait to take my job."

"I do not want your job. I am not insane."

"That's debatable." 

Radek smiled. "So. Your argument for my insanity consists of what? That I do not want your job? Or simply that I am your friend for God knows what reason?"

"The former. Is there anyone here who wouldn't want to be my friend? I mean, I do save everyone's collective asses on a regular basis. That's a good quality in a friend." He had lots of good qualities. Seriously. Like brilliance and resourcefulness and a broad generosity of spirit.

"And arrogance, I suppose, is yet another."

"In me it is." Rodney grinned. The banter was fun. He'd been missing it a lot lately.

"Geoff says that he spoke with you the other day."

Rodney nodded. "Yeah." He wasn't sure he wanted to revisit that so much.

"It meant a great deal to him. And to me. Thank you."

Rodney waved one hand. "It was no big deal." That was a lie, but Radek didn't need to know it.

"Of course not." Radek shrugged. "But still, we both appreciate it."

"So what's on the lunch menu?"

Radek raised an eyebrow. "You are hungry now?"

"I still don't know, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt. Not that I expect it'll all stay down." That wasn't a pleasant thought, but it was certainly necessary to be aware of it. Eating was a lot less of a pleasure when you were constantly nauseous. Who knew?

Radek looked vaguely queasy. "Yes. I needed to know that, Rodney. If your stomach inverts, I shall be the first to call Carson for you."

"You'd just gloat."

"I'd hand you a mop."

"And then you'd gloat."

"Well," Radek said with a grin, "yes."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "I knew it." He looked over at Radek, wishing he felt well enough to go back to work. At least the lab would be interesting. Staying home was mind-numbingly boring. Admitting he wanted company would be showing too much weakness. "Okay, so, food. Before my brain dissolves from lack of anything to do."

"I am not taking you to the lab." Radek crossed his arms over his stomach and glared.

"Did I ask you to? Did the word 'lab' pass my lips? No? I thought not. You asked me to go to lunch." The fact that he hadn't said anything about the lab didn't mean it hadn't crossed his mind.

Radek stood. "I do not understand what food has to do with boredom. Except, of course, that you find complaining about food inordinately entertaining." He paused for a moment, one finger in the air. "Right. Complaints exercise your brain. I should have realized."

"Your lack of creativity astonishes me." Rodney heaved himself off the couch to join Radek. He dropped the blanket on the couch, but that left him feeling a little chilly. "Hang on a sec. Need a sweater."

He went into the bedroom and pulled a sweater from his dresser, tugging it on over his head. At least civvies were usually warmer than his uniform, and he didn't have to wear a jacket on top of everything else. He sighed and went back out into the living room. It was still more of an effort than he liked, but getting out of the apartment was worth the drain on his energy. Spending time with Radek; that was worth it too.

"Are you sure you are up to this?" Radek asked. "I could bring you something instead. We could eat here."

Rodney shook his head. "No. If I don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna rip Carson's head off just to amuse myself. I'd rather not piss off somebody who has a clear reason to stick me with needles."

Radek smirked. "He can also cut you off."

"Not going there."

Smug, Radek headed for the door. Rodney followed, moving a little more slowly. Radek opened the door and they headed out.

They'd gone only a little distance when Radek turned, looking a bit impatient. "Usually, I'm the one running to keep up with you," he said. He took a few steps back toward Rodney. "You are looking a bit more pale than I thought."

"I'm very fair-skinned," Rodney said. "I burn like flash paper."

Radek snorted. "Of course."

Rodney kept right on going and Radek fell in beside him. He really was tired, but he wasn't going to say so. Radek, of course, was a sneaky bastard, and the gentle hand at Rodney's back steadied him. Neither of them said anything.

It felt better than Rodney wanted it to, and it wasn't entirely about the fact that he was a little wobbly on his feet. Radek's hand was warm and familiar, his presence more of a comfort than Rodney liked admitting. He tried not to think about it. This was part of why he wanted to marry Carson, after all -- because he didn't want to be tempted by this. Welcoming Radek's touch, thinking about him that way, it would make everything blow up in Rodney's face. He hoped the feelings he was having would go away without taking their friendship with it.

If he leaned into Radek's hand a little more than he actually needed to, well, he was just taking precautions. Passing out in the corridor would be terribly embarrassing, after all. And Radek wouldn't notice. He'd just think Rodney was feeling a little worse than he really did. All in all, it wasn't that much of a risk.

Unfortunately, that also brought up lurking feelings that he might be cheating on Carson somehow, just to be enjoying this. It wasn't fair. Rodney didn't think chicks had this problem. They always seemed to be leaning on each other and in each other's space. What was with that, anyway?

He tried to steer them down the corridor toward the labs, but Radek was too alert for that one and body checked him into the transporter. Gently. At least Rodney had tried.

"I told you, Rodney, we are not going to the labs," Radek said as he tapped the screen for the mess hall.

Rodney still felt it where Radek's body had brushed against his. He tried desperately to ignore it. Wrapping his arms around himself, he thought about Carson instead. That was a good thing and it did help take his mind off Radek being so close. "Food," Rodney said. "Nobody said anything about the labs."

"Your mouth says no, but your feet keep attempting to go to work." He led Rodney into the mess and found them a seat. "You. Sit here. I will bring food."

"Nothing with--"

"--citrus," Radek finished. "Yes, yes. I know this. I have only heard it on infinite loop for more than a year."

Teyla came and joined him while Radek was in the queue. "How are you feeling today, Rodney?" she asked. She'd visited him in the infirmary a few times, and once yesterday.

"So-so," Rodney told her. He shrugged. "I'm probably going to die a slow, horrible death."

"That is not what Carson says," she said, smiling softly. "He told me this morning that you were doing better. And it is good to see you up and walking about."

"Yes, well, blame Zelenka."

She patted his hand. "I see he is getting food for you."

Rodney nodded. The walk to the mess hall had taken a lot more out of him than he'd expected. "Yeah." He wondered how he was going to get back home. Maybe he should have just sent Radek to get lunch for him and stayed there. Carson was gonna be so pissed at him.

"You look tired," Teyla said. "I would be happy to assist you if you need help getting home."

He didn't say anything for a long moment. He might actually need the help, and it would be a way to avoid having Radek propping him up on the way back. That option brought up too many potentially dangerous thoughts, like Radek's arm around his waist. "Yeah, maybe."

She nodded, still smiling, but looking grave. He wondered how she managed that. "I hope you are getting enough rest."

Rodney sighed. "That's all I've been doing for most of a week. My brain is wasting away."

Radek returned with food, setting one tray in front of Rodney. "Here. Eat."

Rodney stared at the food. Most of it was at least vaguely recognizable. He poked at it. Teyla regarded him curiously. "You are not eating?"

"I'm... I'm not really that hungry," he said sadly. "My stomach bothers me." He leaned his chin on one hand and stared at his tray.

Teyla's brow wrinkled. "You must eat." She sounded concerned. "Does Carson know you are here?"

Rodney and Radek both shook their heads. "No," Radek said. "I did not think it would do any harm to bring him out for lunch."

"I think you should go back to your quarters," she said. She glared at Radek. "And you, Dr. Zelenka, should know better than to urge him away from his rest."

Radek looked nervous. "I did not think it would do him any harm. And anyway, he is here, so let him eat something."

"Not really hungry," Rodney mumbled, feeling more tired by the minute.

"Rodney?" Radek looked worried now. "You are not well."

"No, obviously not. Radiation poisoning, remember?" It was almost too much effort to complain.

"I think I should call Dr. Beckett," Teyla said. 

She started to tap her radio, but Radek touched her wrist. "No, no. Please. I will never hear the end of it. Just help me get him back home. We will take food for him later and make sure he is resting before we leave."

She gave Radek a long, appraising glance. "Very well," she said, and nodded. "I suppose we can do that, however I do not think it would be wise to violate Carson's orders again."

Rodney closed his eyes, not really caring, as long as he got to lie down soon. "Home is good," he said.

"I was only trying to make sure he ate," Radek said, sliding one arm around Rodney. Rodney felt Teyla at his other side, her strong, slim arm about him as well. He opened his eyes.

"Still, you should have asked Carson." The two of them lifted and Rodney wobbled to his feet.

"Dizzy here," Rodney complained. The room was spinning slightly.

"Is all right, Rodney, we have you," Radek said softly. "You will be home soon, then you can rest. I will see to it that food is brought to you. You can eat when you're able."

"Sleep is good." Rodney leaned against Radek, glad he was there. The little guy was stronger than he looked. Rodney had never really thought about it, but Radek was constantly wrestling with machinery. He'd have to have a few muscles somewhere.

Teyla, of course, her muscles went without saying. She could kick Wraith ass, so humans were no great challenge. Hell, she could probably haul him home over her shoulder, though he really didn't want to go there in his head. Especially since he'd probably puke if he were slung over somebody's shoulder.

He was kind of muzzy for the walk home. Teyla suggested helping him into bed, but he didn't want her to see him in his boxers. "No," he said. "I can do it myself." He really looked like an idiot when he stumbled halfway across the living room.

"I will help you, Rodney, and you will not object," Radek said. "I'm the one who got you into this condition in the first place."

That was, in its own way, even worse, but Rodney was barely on his feet and he wasn't sure he'd be able to even untie his boots if he didn't have some help. "Sure. Fine. Whatever."

Radek propped him up as he stumbled into the bedroom. The bed was still unmade from the morning. Rodney plopped down on it, collapsing like a rag doll, and Radek just started on his boots, not saying a word.

"This is stupid," Rodney muttered. "I should be able to get my own fucking clothes off."

"Shut up," Radek said. "No objections." His hands were sure but gentle and efficient as he sat Rodney up and helped him tug his sweater over his head. It was tossed into a chair, followed by his shirt.

"I can unzip my own pants," Rodney said, doing so.

"Lie back. I'll pull them off." Rodney noted that Radek wasn't actually looking at him while he was doing most of the work.

"The rest of it stays on," Rodney snapped, still in his boxers and undershirt.

" _Ano_ , of course." Radek's hand rested on his chest for a moment. "Under the covers now. Shall I sing you a lullaby?" He gave Rodney a wry smile.

"Go away."

Radek snorted and pulled the covers up over Rodney's legs, tucking it around his chest. "Rest, _přiteli_. I will go talk to Carson."

"Oh, no, please don't tell him we did this. He's so gonna kick my ass." Rodney made a vague gesture, his arm much heavier than it should be. Sleep seemed like a truly excellent idea.

"I'm afraid it is only my ass that's in danger." Radek shook his head. Rodney sighed and closed his eyes. "Sleep."

Rodney nodded and settled himself. Radek patted his shoulder and left. Rodney didn't even hear the door close behind him.

*** 

Carson looked up from his microscope at the sound of the soft clearing of a throat behind him. "Oh, Radek, what can I do for you?"

Radek looked a bit uneasy, shuffling nervously, his hands tucked behind his back. "Carson, I have made a bit of an error in judgment."

He straightened up and turned to Radek, worried. "Are you hurt?"

"No." Radek shook his head. "But I am afraid I've exhausted Rodney without intending to."

Carson gave Radek a suspicious look. "What do you mean? What did you do?"

Sighing, Radek sat on a stool. "I took him down to the mess hall to get lunch. By the time we got there, he was too tired to eat, and Teyla and I had to help him back home."

"And how is he now?" Carson asked. He rubbed at his forehead, wondering why no one ever paid any attention to his medical advice.

"He was asleep by the time we left," Radek said. "I am sorry. He wanted to go to the lab, but I would not let him. I honestly didn't think it would be so hard on him. He's been resting for days now."

"He's got radiation poisoning, Radek. He's not goin' to be well again for a few weeks yet, and he really does need to rest. I appreciate that you tried to feed him, but couldn't you have just taken it to him?" He put a hand on Radek's shoulder. "Why is it that no one here remembers that I'm the one with the degrees in medicine?"

"I'm sorry, Carson. I know how bored he gets when he's not well. I hoped that this would help." Radek took a deep breath. "And if you are not too entirely upset with me, I have something else I would like to talk with you about."

"You said he's asleep, did you?" Carson thought for a few moments. Radek obviously had been trying to help, and Rodney really had been going stir crazy. Radek nodded. "What is it, then?" Carson asked.

Radek gestured to the door. "In your office, perhaps?"

"Ah, it's one of those." 

" _Ano_. I do not feel comfortable speaking of this where others might walk in." 

Carson led the way. "Right enough, then." He offered Radek a seat and a cup of tea. "What's on your mind, lad?"

"I wish to tell you that I'm very happy for you both that you will be getting married, but..." Radek swallowed uneasily, "but I still..."

Carson's tension melted. "Ah, it's that, then."

Radek's head bobbed, relief in his eyes. "I'm sorry. Today I just..." He paused.

"It's all right, you know. Have you ever considered talking to Rodney about it?" He leaned back in his chair with his own cup of tea. "Things have changed so in the last year."

"Geoff, as well, has unresolved feelings." He looked at Carson over his cup, the warm liquid steaming his lenses. "We both are feeling some regret that we have, perhaps, each missed something that might have been a good thing."

Carson nodded, listening. "I do not think it would be appropriate for me to speak to Rodney about this," Radek continued, "with the two of you marrying. And I do not know how he feels. This -- neither of you are available and it would be most uncomfortable for everyone if I spoke to Rodney."

"Rodney would be nervous about the idea, no doubt, but I know he cares for you," Carson said. "I don't know that our being married would change that. I don't think it would."

"Today, when I was helping him in the corridors, he... I cannot quite explain this, but it was like he... he wished me closer. He would lean into me more, I think, than he really needed to. Before you both went to Earth, he would watch me. At first I did not pay much attention because Rodney watches everything, but there has been an intensity to it of late that was not there before the siege: before we lost Peter. I don't know what is guilt on his part and what is real."

Carson sighed, slumping in his seat. "I don't know. I wish I did. He's not been able to speak much of that or of Peter. It's hard for him. But I know he felt like he should have done more, though there was naught he could have done."

Radek nodded. "I know. And even Geoff knows. He did speak to Rodney, you realize."

"Aye. Rodney mentioned it but didn't say much about it." And Rodney had been more restless in the night since then, mumbling and coming half awake from nightmares. "I think... I think it's brought up some things from when we were all coming down from the stimulants."

"Yes," Radek said. "That I can believe." He sipped at his tea for a moment. "And you, how are you taking all of this?"

For the barest fragment of a moment, Carson remembered being in restraints, desperately wanting to do something but unable to move. He shivered. "To be honest, not well. Rodney may whinge, but he's not going to die of this. That doesn't mean I don't worry. When I sent Colonel Sheppard home yesterday, at least I was certain he'd follow my orders so as to get back in the pilot's seat again as soon as he can. But with Rodney -- well, Rodney's a bloody stubborn man, as we both know. He's not dealing with this at all well. I love him but there have been moments when I'd like to strangle him."

"You know you can always come to see me or Geoff, _přiteli_."

Carson caught the sincerity in Radek's eyes, grateful for his friends. "I know. And I want you to know that I do intend at some point to talk to Rodney about the marriage. If he's willing, I don't want it to have to be exclusive. I think that, given the chance, you and he might get on very well."

He watched as Radek blushed, could almost see the man's pulse race. Radek swallowed and licked his lips nervously. He nodded. "I... did not expect that."

"I know how you care for him," Carson said. "And he's had so little love in his life. It would do him a world of good if he could stand knowing that someone else loved him, as well as I."

"You've hit upon the heart of it, I'm afraid," Radek whispered. He looked like he was struggling with himself, not sure of what to say.

"I realized, when I was back on Earth, why I've never had a trouble with that sort of thing," Carson told him. "It was a bit of a shock to me, but looking back, I don't suppose it should have been." He took a breath and straightened up, sipping at his tea before continuing. "You see, my mum and da, they had a lover. I'd called him an uncle all my life, knowing he was just a good friend of da's, but ... but they finally told me when I was home this last time. Suddenly a lot of things made sense to me that hadn't before."

He watched as Radek blinked. "Your mother? And... you only just found out?"

Carson nodded. "Aye. I've been around it all my life, and never even knew. I think it made me look at things in a different way than most of my mates. The idea that you could love more than one person, it was never really strange to me at all. I just didn't realize how deep it went between them."

"I... Geoff and I have much to consider," Radek said, his voice soft.

"I'm a bit uneasy about broaching the subject with Rodney. For all his strength and that odd courage of his, he's so uncomfortable with this. I know he's afraid of losing what he's found." Carson paused. "And now I'm wondering if that's not why he's asked me to marry him in the first place." The thought bothered him. He didn't think it was so much that Rodney didn't trust him, but perhaps Rodney didn't think he'd be able to trust himself with Radek so close at hand. It certainly shed a new light on a number of things.

"You don't think--"

"I don't know quite what to think," Carson admitted.

"What should we do?" Radek asked. He set his cup down.

"I don't know." Carson set his own cup down. "I've got to think about it, but I've been on break long enough and I must get back to work. We'll talk later, then, shall we?"

Radek nodded. "That would be a good idea. I'll see you later." He departed, and Carson went back to his microscope. There was so much to think about.

*** 

Rodney was asleep when Carson got home. He'd finally started following Carson's recommendations and had got some genuine rest in the last three days. It had helped quite a lot, really, and though Rodney was bored near to insanity, at least his strength was returning and he'd been able to eat.

Carson stood next to their bed for a long moment, just looking at Rodney in the moonlight. His colour was a wee bit better than it had been, and the dark crescents beneath his eyes were fading at last. Carson was finally letting go of a certain amount of his worry for Rodney. Colonel Sheppard, who'd displayed something akin to common sense in his recuperation, would probably be back on duty in a few days. Rodney would be most of the week before Carson could even consider letting him get back to light duty. 

Taking off his kit, Carson sat naked on the bed next to Rodney. His lover didn't even stir. Slipping beneath the covers, he lay with Rodney, spooning up behind him. Rodney's body was warm and his breathing was quiet and measured. It was a good sound, a reassuring one.

He put his arms around the man, pulling him gently closer. Rodney mumbled incoherently and he shifted his weight, head moving restlessly. "Hush," Carson whispered. "Go back to sleep, it's just me."

Rodney opened one eye. "Mrb?"

Carson smiled, a feeling of warmth spreading through him. "It's late, love."

"Right." Rodney's voice was rough with sleep. He opened the other eye a bit and rolled in Carson's arms to face him. He put an arm about Carson's waist and nuzzled closer.

"We can talk in the morning."

"Wanna talk now." Rodney placed a gentle kiss on Carson's collarbone.

"All right, then. What did you want to talk about?"

Rodney made a soft, content noise. "Nothing. Anything."

Carson couldn't help chuckling. "You're not even awake."

"Wanna go back to work." Rodney's eyes were barely focusing.

"If you're a good lad, I'll let you back on light duty in five or six days."

"Tomorrow." Rodney sounded slightly more awake now.

Carson snorted. "No. Definitely not tomorrow." He resisted the urge to twitch as Rodney's nose tickled his neck.

"Carson?"

"Yes, love?"

"Hate having nightmares."

With a sigh, Carson kissed Rodney's cheek. "I know. What was this one?"

"Detox again." Rodney's eyes were shadowed in the dim light of the room. "Kept seeing you restrained. Kept... kept thinking we were back in that Genii cell."

Carson shivered. Not that he wanted to admit it, but it was going to give his own dreams a new layer of terror. "That's all over, Rodney. We're safe now. You know that."

"That's why I need to get back to work," Rodney said. "Keep you safe."

"I'm fine, Rodney. Unless the Wraith find us again, nothing's going to happen to me."

Rodney propped himself up on one elbow and looked Carson in the eyes, finally looking like he might actually be awake. "It's only a matter of time, you know."

That was true and Carson knew it, much as he hated the thought. He ran his hand along Rodney's side. "We don't have to think about that right now. I'm not releasing you for duty for several days yet. Radek's been taking care of things. The city's in good hands."

Rodney looked vaguely uncomfortable at the mention of Radek. Carson hadn't spoken to him about his conversation with their friend, but he'd been keeping an eye on Rodney when Radek would come over to visit. Watching them that closely had been revealing. 

"What's wrong, _mo leannan_?" He kept up his soft caress of Rodney's body, intending to soothe rather than arouse.

Rodney shook his head. "Nothing. Nothing."

"It's Radek, isn't it?"

Rodney stilled and stared at him. "What makes you say that?"

"You're interested in him, aren't you?" Carson held Rodney a little tighter, trying to convey that he wasn't upset by the idea.

"No!" Rodney snapped. "Of course not!"

"Rodney, it's all right, you know." 

"No, it's not all right." Rodney shifted nervously. "It's really, really not all right."

Carson took a long, steadying breath. "What is it that you think will happen if you admit it?"

Rodney's breath hitched and he rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He was silent for a long time, but Carson knew he hadn't gone back to sleep. His eyes glittered in the moonlight as they moved. Eventually, Rodney looked back over at him, barely turning his head. "I'll lose you."

Carson shook his head gently. "No, Rodney, you won't." He let his hand trace the curve of Rodney's chest until his hand rested on it, palm cupped over Rodney's heart. "I promise you, I don't have any reason to leave you. Certainly not over that."

"Look, I-I know that thing with your mom and Dougal and all, it's... I mean, I guess it doesn't bother you, but it still all feels really weird to me." There was fear in Rodney's eyes. "I don't want to feel like this, okay? I don't want to feel what I do about Radek."

"You can't help how you feel, man. That's not how it works."

"This is insane."

"No, _mo leannan_ , it's not. It's a perfectly natural thing. The two of you are so close, it was really inevitable, don't you think?"

"The sharing a brain thing? Yeah. Yeah, I can follow that. The rest of this -- I just have no idea why it happened." He waved one hand helplessly.

"Rodney, it doesn't matter why it happened, only that it has. And to be honest, it's got me wondering why you really asked me to marry you. It's not just about the legal issues, is it?"

He could see Rodney colour, even in the dim light of the room. Rodney refused to look at him. "There were a lot of reasons, Carson. A lot of them."

"Please tell me. I promise I won't be angry with you." He let his thumb move in small, soothing circles on Rodney's chest. "I just need to know we're doing this for the right reasons."

Rodney took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out slowly, then looked over at Carson. He took Carson's wrist in one hand. "I just... maybe if we're married, I won't have those feelings anymore. I mean, obviously, that's not the only reason. I want to be with you, you know that. More than you can imagine. You're the best damned thing that's ever happened to me. How could I not want to marry you, now that we can?"

Carson's stomach knotted. "Rodney, a ceremony and a ring aren't going to change your feelings about Radek. I know you love me, but don't marry me if that's all this is about."

Rodney's eyes went wide and he bolted upright in bed. "No, damn it, that's _not_ what all this is about!"

Carson sat up as well, knowing he'd said the wrong thing. "I'm not telling you I don't want to marry you, I'm just saying that if you're doing it in hopes of changing how you feel about Radek, that's not goin' to work. I love you, Rodney. You know that. But there's no reason for you to fear what you're feeling for him."

"I can't--"

"Rodney, there was a reason I told you before that I was fine if you wanted to be involved with someone else at some point." He raised a hand as Rodney opened his mouth to object. "This isn't a competition. It's not because I want to get rid of you -- I'd not have agreed to marry you if I didn't love you and want you in my life. It's because I want you to be happy, and you'll not be happy if you're pining after someone else and feeling guilty about it even though you're in love with me." Rodney opened his mouth again but Carson put his fingertips to Rodney's lips. 

"And it's not because I want to go out and play with someone else either, though that may conceivably happen someday. What it _is_ about is dealing with just this sort of thing. I know you care for Radek. I also know that he cares for you just as much -- and that you've not had nearly enough love in your life, Rodney. Is it so horrible to think that you might find love with more than one person at the same time?"

Rodney stared at him. "You really believe that's possible?"

"I've seen it, Rodney. I've loved more than one person at a time myself in times past." He kept his voice gentle, willing Rodney to understand.

Rodney shook his head. "I don't think that's possible for me," he said, his voice subdued.

"You'll never know unless you try."

"But--"

"And perhaps it would be easier at first just to accept that I'm not the only one who loves you." Carson pulled Rodney close, holding him tight.

Rodney shook his head against Carson's neck. "Okay. Fine."

Carson sighed. "It doesn't have to happen overnight. All I'm asking is that you let yourself consider it. Because I do think Radek loves you, Rodney. We've talked about you before. He's afraid that he'd hurt you, I think."

Rodney seemed startled by that. "What? He's... I mean, I didn't think that sort of thing even occurred to him. He and Geoff, being with Peter, and then that thing with Siwicki -- I just... wow."

"He's not thoughtless. He's just working from different assumptions than you are."

"And what have you two said about me, anyway?" Rodney pulled his face from Carson's shoulder and looked at him, worried. 

Carson shrugged. "Not that much, really. He's just said that he cares for you, and that he wishes you were closer, but he's nervous about how you'd take it."

"What did you tell him?" Rodney's face was serious and he let one hand trace along Carson's hip.

"That I thought you cared for him, and that you were afraid of it."

Rodney's eyes sparked as though he was going to object, but then he turned away. "Okay, so yeah," he said reluctantly. "Maybe I am. Afraid." He took a deep, steadying breath as Carson waited for him to continue. "I mean, let's face it, doing anything that would lose you would be incredibly stupid."

"No one could ever say you were a stupid man, Rodney." Carson sighed. "You're not goin' to lose me."

"You don't know that." He looked back at Carson, his fingers tightening on Carson's hip.

"There are no guarantees in life, right enough, but I can tell you that if you ever decide to act on that attraction, I'll not be upset or jealous about it." He leaned in and kissed Rodney's forehead.

Rodney frowned. "And you're still willing to marry me, knowing all this."

"Of course. I just don't want you trying to delude yourself that it'll make a difference in how you feel about Radek. It won't. Nothing will. You'll either act on it or you won't, but that's not something you can change by signing a marriage licence."

With a heavy sigh, Rodney nodded. "Okay, yeah, not one of my brighter ideas."

Carson lay back down on the bed and offered an arm to Rodney. "Come lie with me, _mo leannan_. We can talk about this more later. You still need your rest, and so do I."

Rodney paused for a moment, looking down at him, then slipped down into the bed next to him, their limbs tangling together. "I'm insane," Rodney mumbled. "That's really the only explanation." With a sigh, he buried his face in Carson's shoulder.

"No, love, you're just human." Carson held him close, waiting for the quiet rhythm of breath that meant Rodney had fallen asleep.

~~pau~~


End file.
